Old Ghosts

I had a boyfriend when I was 17, actually the one I had before I got married. This boyfriend liked to hit. He liked to hit everything, walls, beds, buses, oh, and me.

He always seemed to feel so powerless in his life. He was always so tortured, emotionally transparent. The smallest things would set him off and then there would be this rage. So much rage.

The funny thing, (weird funny, not ha ha funny) is that after he would fly into these rages and attack me, he would want to have sex. It would be this intense, animal-like, explosive sex where he would be apologizing, crying, and humping all at the same time. He would be grabbing me and imprisoning me and crushing me under the weight if all of his irrational emotion. It was so scary and so raw and so sick. And dangerous. So, so very dangerous.

The relationship that I am in now and have been in for many years has been a roller coaster ride to say the least, but never in the 20 years that I have known him, has my husband ever hit me or been violent toward me. I am so grateful for that.

People may have their differences, but some situations are just not safe enough to stay in. Funny thing though, in spite of the craziness, the abusive boyfriend was very loyal, he never cheated on me or even flirted with other women like the men in my other relationships. I swear, if its not one thing, its always another.

NOTE: I am all for women trying to do whatever they need to do in order to work out their relationships, but once a man hits a woman all bets are off. Just get away because it is one of those things that will never change.

Bootylicious Confessions in the Freakin Suburbs

Originally Written February 08

So here I sit with a negative balance in my checking account and $4.39 on my Capital One Card.  Oh! Correction! I spent that $4 on a Grande Extra-Caramel, Caramel Frapuccino.

   

 

 

The elixir of the goddesses                  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 You have to order it like that or else it throws the whole thing off.  It’s cool, I like speaking in code.  It is kind of spy-like, Jane Bondish if you will.  So yeah, pretty much I’m broke, with my business bank cards and personal credit cards tucked away in my cute little Prada bag (one of those wonderful Korea finds). Could be a knock off.  Okay, who am I kiddin?  But it is very cute, matches my IPhone, you know, chic like that (the IPhone is one bill that is always paid early cuz a Diva Muse has to have her cell phone. I know it’s shallow, that’s my alter ego talking).

 

                                  Terracotta and graphite drawing of the cutest little Prada Bag ever.

Oh and did I mention that the hot water heater is busted in this big ass ostentatious house that we are renting?  Add that to the four times we had to call the heater guy out this past winter and I would have to say quite sarcastically that the obscene amount of money we pay each month must surely be worth it.

 

Sidebar: Why did the Barista taking my order ask for my first name while holding my credit card in his hand?  He never even looked at it.  It could have been your credit card, but I am sure you have more than $4.39 on yours.  He pretty much spelled my name wrong too. I don’t know who the person was that he put on my cup. But I am thinking that maybe I should be her for awhile. 

 

Back to the original thought. I am not bummed out by the lack of funds. How could I be when there are so many other things to be bummed out by like feeling invisible in my pseudo diverse suburban neighborhood or feeling like a failure because my kids think that I should have a better career besides Mom and Artist. Or figuring out that dogs actually whine like kids which is really annoying.  If nothing else is going my way, I do have to say, I’m still pretty hot for 37.  With looks and style like mine, who really cares if there is no hot water?

Ok, so a sistah can dream right?  LOL

Where Have All the Manners Gone?

Do manners still exist? Or have we lost all semblance of common courtesy?

Today I was in line at Michael’s, the craft store and I had just finished making my purchase. I was situating myself, putting away my change and other things, (to include the receipt that the salesperson insisted upon putting in the bag even though I clearly had my hand extended to take it and put in my wallet) when the next customer along with her friends decided to move up right into my personal space. One girl was standing directly behind me practically breathing down my neck. So while I’m trying to get situated, I drop my change on the floor. I know I shouldn’t expect anything from anybody or jump to conclusions about what a person is thinking, but is it too much to ask for someone to offer to help me pick up my change or in the very least, not crowd my personal space? Instead the girl just stood there with her arms folded watching me search for my money and not moving out of my way.

A couple of weeks ago, I walked into the store that provides my cell phone service hoping to receive some help with my cell phone problem. The lady behind the counter was using her Blue Tooth earpiece to talk to a customer on the phone. She did acknowledge me when I walked in, although with no eye contact, but rather a simple, “I am helping a customer right now, I will be with you in a minute.” That wasn’t so bad I guess. Then another younger saleslady comes out and helps me. So I tell her my problem. “None of the sensors on my phone work. I can’t unlock it or dial out.” I try to hand her the phone, but she acts like she doesn’t want to touch it. She has this unconcerned look on her face like she had somewhere else to be. So anyway, I show her what I am talking about, pressing the screen repeatedly and holding up the phone so that she sees that nothing is happening. Finally, she asked me to let her see. I hand her the phone, and she turns it off with the button at the top and then turns it back on. It goes off and then powers back on. She hands it back and says, “It works for me.” “Yes, you can turn it on and off, but you can’t do anything else,” I say getting a little frustrated. Before we could finish this exchange the same lady who had the invisible Blue Tooth customer yells across the store to the girl who was helping me. She asked her about some customer that she had helped earlier and if she had some paper work. The young lady responded that she would grab it in a minute. Apparently the Blue Tooth lady wasn’t satisfied with this answer because she said something along the lines of having the customer on the phone and needing the information asap. The lady who was helping me turned back to me and basically told me in a very dismissive manner that she wasn’t going to be able to fix my problem because I was going to have to contact the manufacturer of the phone. I informed her that I basically knew this was the case, but I have another phone that I could use in the meantime, I just need for her to activate that phone for me instead. She ended up telling me how to do that myself and sent me on the way. I was satisfied with her answer, no matter how dry and abrupt the delivery, but I couldn’t help but wonder why treating someone warmly was clearly not a priority in this store, even if there is no solution to the problem, treating a person warmly doesn’t cost anything. And why is the freakin customer on the phone more important than the one standing in the store?

This has been a source of frustration for me for as long as I can remember, but the innovative technology that we now possess seems to add an even more obnoxious element to situations like this. I don’t expect people to bend over backward for me, nor do I expect them to help me if they don’t want to. In fact, I have learned not to expect much of most people (especially home training). But I do wish that people would exercise simple manners and realize that we should not see the presence of other individuals in the world as a source of annoyance, but rather an opportunity to serve and be served.

Manners and courtesy can take you a long way, they or not a sign of weakness. Sometimes an offer of help carries just as much weight as actually doing a good a deed, and eye contact and a nice warm smile are just two small gestures that can yield large rewards in any situation. Perhaps next time I should forego all of the above though, and be as bitchy to them as they are to me. But of course that will never happen, my mama raised me better than that.

Who I Really Am

Sometimes I think that this blog will truly reflect my life. Scattered but filled with possibility. Other than what my profile says about me being an artist, my age and other superficial information, I am also an Army wife of 18 years ( which I could fill this whole blog telling you about), I have two teenagers, a son 17 and a daughter who is 14. I have lived all over the United States and in Korea. Korea was my favorite tour because it was so different from anything that I had ever known. I recently returned back to the states 9 months ago.

I grew up in Los Angeles with my parents, my daddy was a minister and my mother who was kind of like a missionary. I also have several brothers and sisters but I am the only product of my mother and father’s marriage. By the time I was born, all of my brothers and sisters were pretty much grown so I was born into a world of adults. Until I started kindergarten at 5 years old, I was surrounded by adults. The few kids that I did spend time with were mainly at church, but I really didn’t have many people my age in my life when I was very young. So I have never really felt much like I fit in anywhere.

The whole time growing up, I thought I would be a famous actress, so did everybody in my family especially my daddy who I think is still rather disappointed that I’m not. Although I’m not a drama queen, my life has been pretty dramatic, so it is not farfetched that a life in front of an audience would be my greatest aspiration. But over the years, and not without trying,  it just didn’t work out that way 

Instead,  I am an Artist. I paint, and take pictures and I participate in creative endeavors where I can observe people and document what I see. Where I can express myself and show the world who I am without revealing too much of what is on the inside.

I have also had a very colorful life.  I have endured a lot of ugliness, and I have seen a lot of beauty. I’ve been the good little wife and mother at times, and at other times, not so much. All of these experiences good and bad, have made me who I am today.

I don’t know where this is going, or how it is going to turn out.  I don’t even know if I am going to like writing about my life and my journey for people to read and comment on, but I do know that it is time for me to stop hiding and project my identity to a waiting world.  So sit back and enjoy the ride and hopefully I will inspire you and, in turn, you will inspire me too.