Five Tips for Dealing With a Player and Surviving

It always amazes me when I see otherwise, strong, beautiful, accomplished, intelligent women lose their minds over a man. I am not talking about a husband that you have been married to or have had children with, who after he lulled you into a false sense of security, decided to go bad. Or a boyfriend who has pledged his undying love to you and has been consistent and honorable for the most part but decides that after a long courtship, he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Most of us have experienced that kind of heart ache and it is not easy to handle. But at least you had something tangible from the relationship for however long it lasted. At least he was “yours”.

No, I am talking about women who lose their minds over a player. We all know who the players are. I am talking about the man we all know who is not relationship material from day one. The married man who is never going to leave his wife. The booty call guy who rings your phone or pops up drunk after the club. The guy with 3 babies mommas. The guy who’s cell phone is always blowing up and who has five different women on his “top 8” on Myspace claiming that they are in love with him. That guy. We all know him. We all love him, but let’s face it, he is not going to be your husband, he is not your boyfriend, and if your heart is not equipped enough to handle him, then you should probably save yourself while you can and move out quickly.

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A Glimpse Into My Life

My hubby had his knee scoped on Thursday. He was a total surgery virgin, so it has been an ordeal with him from pre-op until this very moment. He was nervous about going under so from Tuesday until they wheeled him into surgery, he was acting really weird and cagey. I kept trying to reassure him that it would be the best sleep that he would ever have, but of course he didn’t believe me, he never does.

They had us arrive at 1100 am to the hospital, of course, they didn’t take him into surgery until almost 3. He is not a man who is used to missing meals, so of course as time went on, he complained about how hungry and uncomfortable he was because of course he couldn’t have anything to eat or drink after midnight the night before.

Apparently when he was wheeled into the OR, he was under the anesthesia, but didn’t know it because the doctor said that he was quite the comedian. I can’t imagine what he could have said in there and frankly I don’t even want to know. After the procedure, he was still high from the anesthesia and still talking way too much. But everything went well, and I was able to take him home. Suffice it to say, since Thursday, I have not had a full night’s sleep. I love him, but i gotta say he is quite the difficult patient.

In order to know what I am talking about when it comes to my patient, you have to know that he is an incredibly Type A, no nonsense, Army Officer who still looks 18 years old and is very fit and has never been seriously ill. Having said that, anyone who takes care of people for a living knows that this is the worst kind of patient. These types of patients have a sense of entitlement, they have to be reminded to say please and thank you. They drive the kids crazy because they order them around, and they try to recover too fast, almost ensuring a set back, which means that you have to take care of them even longer.

He was prescribed Percocet for the pain, but he can’t really take it because it makes him kind of loopy, and renders him unable to censor himself. The first two days I thought I would strangle him, but the feeling soon passed. He is now taking the Tylenol, but because his threshold for pain is not terribly high, the slightest bit of discomfort is just unacceptable for him. It is amazing to me how such a normally strong, strapping man, can be such a baby when he is in a little pain. Makes me proud to be a woman. We have can have debilitating PMS followed by even worse periods, birth the babies, still clean the whole house and still go to work the next day.

Last night he woke up at around 3AM complaining that he was cold and wanting to finish a conversation that we had earlier (during normal waking hours) where I did all of the talking and he just looked at me. I got him a blanket and told him to take his ass back to sleep. He will be on leave for another week. After that, I guess I will be able to get some sleep.

I do hope that his knee heals properly and that he is okay, not just for his sake, but for mine too. I am pretty much, running on coffee and adrenaline, but I am trying to be here for him. Still, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t wish for him to hurry up and get well soon. 

Whore to Housewife Part 1

In one of my online groups, the topic came up, Can you turn a whore into a housewife? I have to say right off the bat that I believe the title itself is an unfortunate one. But what bothered me even more is how the overwhelming majority of the people who responded to the question, responded with an emphatic, “no!” Come again? I am truly disturbed on so many levels by this whole topic.

First of all the question itself needs to be clarified. Basically, the idea of the whore was not meant in the traditional sense of the prostitute who receives money for sex. But rather the “Ho” version of whore, a female who sleeps with a lot of different men or who has an overly active sexual appetite. The prevailing idea was basically that once a ho, always a ho. She can’t be reformed from her whorish ways so no one should wife her.

So if we are to believe this line of thinking, then that means that a person who participates in this behavior is incapable of change. I am sorry but I have a hard time believing that. We are all capable of change and growth. Whether it is someone who sleeps around, or who has issues with drugs and alcohol, or someone who has a criminal past, people are not held hostage to their mistakes unless they allow themselves to be. By nature, as human beings, we will change whether we want to or not. Change is inevitable, either for better or worse. And we hope that most people opt to change for the better. But believing that people are incapable of change, cuts them off at the knees before they have had a chance to even get in the race

Another thing that bothers me about this whole whore idea is that women are really quick to call other women whores. We seem equally or even more willing than men to point the fingers at other women when it comes to this topic. This has always baffled me because it would seem that as women, we would recognize the emotions and feelings behind giving oneself in a sexual way to a man and how that is never really an easy thing to do without allowing some level of vulnerability to creep into our mindset.

We should understand better than men that this level of intimacy is usually far more valuable to us than it is to males. Many women equate the giving of their bodies with the giving of their hearts. And yet, when we encounter a woman who gives of herself very freely, it is almost as if we have some sort of resentment toward her as if she is somehow taking something away from us.

Typically women who have allowed themselves to be with many men or who are more sexually open have had some occurrence or issues in their past that is the catalyst for such behavior. But really, who among us is perfect? We all have some mistake or behavior that we participate or have participated in that others would frown on. Is that all we are? Are we beyond redemption? Will we only ever be the sum of all of our mistakes? I just can’t imagine that this is the case.

Every diva, every person has a dark side. For some that may be just a shadow and for others, it might be a black hole, but just as bad comes our way, good can come our way too. We don’t have to live in darkness forever, just like any seed, we have to break through the darkness below to rise up flourishing and flowering in the light. Emerging more beautiful, new, and and completely changed.

Bootylicious Rule #8

It is just human nature to want to share wonderful things that happen to us, and most of the time, we will find that our friends and loved ones are eager to share in our happiness. We love to run and tell when we’ve closed on the house, or we have gotten a promotion or new job, or we have the new car we have been saving and longing to buy. But one thing that we should never be eager, or willing to share is the intimate details of our lives with our significant other. It is just a bad idea no matter what goodies, tricks, or endowments he may have.

Throughout my life, I have seen otherwise nice, sweet, lovely women turn into vultures when they find that their girlfriends have a good thing going on in the romance department. You could have a boyfriend who is as ugly as all out sin, but you start talking about how many orgasms you’ve had with him, or how he hit that elusive spot, and suddenly your man is Quasimodo turned Sexy Hunk in your girlfriend’s mind. All of a sudden she is having fantasies about kissing your frog and turning him into Prince Charming.

Of course, not all girlfriends are this feeble minded, but you have to be careful because even the oldest, lifelong friend who has been with you through thick and thin, can surprise you. She could act like she hates his guts and everything else about him, and she will probably be the one that you walk in on sucking face or others things with your man. So seriously, not a good look.

And keep in mind, you don’t have to be talking about something sexual to pique the interest of your dear friend. One of the things that the hubby and I used to do on the regular was go on date night. Every Friday night was our designated time no matter what our schedules, to spend time with each other. Most of the time we would go out to dinner or a movie or some other special outing. But even when we didn’t go out, we would do something special at home. It was a wonderful time for us to bond with each other aside from work, and kids, and other responsibilities that pulled us into a bunch of different directions. And because it was scheduled, we were able to ensure that it happened each week because neither of us was allowed to schedule anything in it’s place.

I began to notice that the women around me would make comments, some wistful, some snarky, but nonetheless, the prevailing statements were along the lines of, “Oh you have such a wonderful husband,” or “Ooh girl, your man is so romantic, I wish I had me one like that.” The kicker was, “Girl, you are so lucky, your husband is so handsome, and he loves you so much, you better watch out before someone takes him.” After that, whenever someone would ask about my weekend, I would just say, “Oh, we went out.” I share those special conversations with a very select few, mostly my sister, or friends who are much older and have their own relationships. I am not paranoid, but I do believe that a diva should know who she can trust and who she can’t and she should be really smart about it.

Ultimately, we all should be careful about what we choose to share and who we choose to share it with (see Bootylicious Rule #6) whenever it comes to our personal lives, but intimate details about our romantic relationships should be especially sacred.

Let your intuition be your guide, and remember what goes on in your bedroom, kitchen, car, backyard wherever, should stay in those places, and those memories should stay in your own mind and your own heart. Sexy secrets are some of the best secrets you will ever have.

Bootylicious Rule #9

If I Scratch Your Back, You’ll Scratch Mine Right? Not!!

I am always scratching my hubby’s back, or rubbing his sore muscles, or massaging him in some way and he loves it.

So the other night, I asked him to scratch my back and he said he didn’t have any nails.

“Why do you always cut your nails so low?” I asked.

“I can’t stand it when they are long,” He responded.

“But if you cut them so short, you can’t scratch my back, I always scratch your back.
Sometimes I want mine to be scratched too and I can’t reach it.”

“It’s a hygiene thing for me, you understand,” he said and then turned over to read his book.

But honestly I don’t understand. I felt rather dejected by the whole conversation. I realized at this moment that here I am giving once again, and not being considered in return. Of course it is a really small thing, but it is indicative of so much more in our relationship. I don’t really have an answer to this problem yet, I’m really just venting. I do that sometimes. Although, I am almost 100% sure that getting a 20 year old, long nailed, boy toy is out of the question.

Or maybe not, is it really cheating if someone else scratches your back? ( :

Untitled

trust no man
they say

but your eyes
they say
something else to me
hypnotic, intoxicating
staring right through me

your lips…mmmm
they say
you’re so into me

but your hips
betray
you really only want to
do me

and I say go slow
as your hands on my ass say
come to me

in my mind I scream
rescue me
but we both know
you’re still gonna
break through me

over and
over and
over again

until there is nothing left
but the feeling that
you just used me

Old Ghosts

I had a boyfriend when I was 17, actually the one I had before I got married. This boyfriend liked to hit. He liked to hit everything, walls, beds, buses, oh, and me.

He always seemed to feel so powerless in his life. He was always so tortured, emotionally transparent. The smallest things would set him off and then there would be this rage. So much rage.

The funny thing, (weird funny, not ha ha funny) is that after he would fly into these rages and attack me, he would want to have sex. It would be this intense, animal-like, explosive sex where he would be apologizing, crying, and humping all at the same time. He would be grabbing me and imprisoning me and crushing me under the weight if all of his irrational emotion. It was so scary and so raw and so sick. And dangerous. So, so very dangerous.

The relationship that I am in now and have been in for many years has been a roller coaster ride to say the least, but never in the 20 years that I have known him, has my husband ever hit me or been violent toward me. I am so grateful for that.

People may have their differences, but some situations are just not safe enough to stay in. Funny thing though, in spite of the craziness, the abusive boyfriend was very loyal, he never cheated on me or even flirted with other women like the men in my other relationships. I swear, if its not one thing, its always another.

NOTE: I am all for women trying to do whatever they need to do in order to work out their relationships, but once a man hits a woman all bets are off. Just get away because it is one of those things that will never change.

On Trust

As far as trust for me goes, A few years back, I was betrayed beyond my wildest imagination and I literally let this betrayal consume me to the point where it affected every aspect of my life including my health. Recently over the last year and a half, I have come to the realization that trusting others really is in my control. NO one can hurt me if I don’t let them. I can ‘t control the actions of others, but I can choose to control how I react to them and how far I allow them to affect me. I no longer have the idealistic view of life that I had prior to being devastated, which for me, was the majority of the problem. It really doesn’t matter if I trust them or not. What matters, seeing things at face value, seeing things realistically, and seeing people for what they are, just people and not little gods and goddesses or without faults. This point of view has helped me tremendously in realizing that if people try to hurt me, that is their problem, if I choose to let them, that is mine.

Who Said Selfish Was A Bad Word?

If you’ve ever noticed, a really Super Fabulous Diva never really has man troubles. She usually either cuts her loses or she finds a way to make the situation work in her favor. This is because a true Diva knows herself, knows who she is, and most of the time she knows what she wants. Her biggest problem is trying to figure out how to get what she wants, but once she does, nothing can stop her. I know for sure that inside we are all Super Fabulous Diva-like creatures, with so much potential. Sometimes when my man is having PMS (Pissy Man Syndrome I didn’t coin the term, but I like it), or when he is being inconsiderate, or expecting me to do too much and give too much and he is not reciprocating, or when he has been a very bad version of himself, I have to smack him back into reality and let him know who he’s dealing with. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, respect him, and I try to make him feel special because men need that sometimes. But there are times, despite your best efforts when a man reverts to a cave man mentality and he thinks he is supposed to grab you by your hair ( in my case the arm since I don’t have enough hair to grab) and drag you through your life while you are flailing behind him out of control. Sometimes you have to wrestle yourself loose, grab a big stick and knock him over the head and let him know you’ve had enough. I know that I have had to take a trip, or disappear for a few hours or even days to give him a chance to miss me or get his attention, and give me a chance to figure out what I need to do to feel better, or appreciated, or loved or whatever the case may be at the time. And sometimes I have to stand firm and let him know that the way he treats me is very important and that I will not stand for anything but the best or at the very least, getting what I give in return. Sometimes too much is just too much, and women deserve to feel special and good too. And if he is being the worst version of himself, and we all know what that means. I may need to reevaluate the reasons for being in the relationship and if it is feasible to continue to do so. Whatever the case, I will by no means let whatever he is doing turn me into anything less than the Superwoman that I am. No being reduced to visible tears, no begging, no groveling. I may get mad, sad, even distraught, but not in public and never in front of him. Think Rebecca DeMornay in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, the bathroom scene. There will be no losing my cool in front of him. Because after all, I am the SSBDM! And so are you.

 So if your man is giving you heartburn, maybe you need to cut him loose, or if that is too extreme, maybe you need to take control of the situation and make it a little more about you, and less about him (at least for today). Men are wonderful creatures in theory, but sometimes they tend to suck up all the air out of the room and all of the life out of you. Today, guard yourself (and your respiratory well being) and be a little selfish. Do what you want to do and tell everyone else to get with the program, because you only have one life to live, why not live it on your own terms? And be Diva-like while doing it. Just a thought.