Ask The Diva Muse

Dear Diva,
I forgot to mention that when we started, we were both seeing other people. He told me that he had broken off with his girlfriend early this year. I, however, am still with the same person that I was seeing when the two of us started our affair. I am not sure if I can truly trust this guy. After all, if a guy can cheat with me, what’s to stop him from cheating on me in future right? At this point in time, I truly believe he has not been unfaithful to me…Read More

Savvy Sundays – 10 Signs He Thinks Of You As Just A Booty Call

All Bootylicious Divas should be savvy when it comes to making good choices in relationships. Sometimes that may mean knowing when a relationship is going South, making good choices when starting new relationships, or knowing something as simple as when friendship is turning into something more. Sometimes we have to face some not so pleasant facts about a relationship, and sometimes we may need to know when it is okay to drop our guard.

Savvy Sundays, articles specifically written for Divas who want to be more savvy, more intuitive, and more aware of the signs that our relationships may not be all that we may envision or wish for. Or perhaps serves as reassurance that we may be moving along in the right direction.

Today’s Savvy Sunday Countdown, 10 Signs He Might See You as Just A Booty Call.

Many of us have, or will at some point in our dating lives, find ourselves involved with that guy who is just interested in one thing, sex on a regular basis. Often times, this guy is not very upfront with his intentions and what you may think is a potential relationship may never be anything more to this guy than a guaranteed romp in the hay.

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Views On Virtue

It never ceases to amaze me how, as much as we are alike as people, we are also very different. And I am always equally amazed at how the opinions of others will vary widely based on the individual experiences.

I was reading through an online discussion on staying pure until marriage. A very young woman was expressing how she wanted to wait until marriage to make sex sacred between herself and the man that she planned on spending the rest of her life with. She went on to say that although she is not a virgin, she realigned her thinking and has been celibate and plans on remaining that way until God sends her the man that will complete her.

I admire her sentiments, but I couldn’t help but think of how absolutely different her life and her decisions have been from my own. How I am sure her experiences have also been different from mine, and how those experiences have played such a large part in shaping who we have become.

After reading this, I couldn’t help but wonder how different my life would have been if I had been given the luxury of remaining a virgin until marriage and honestly, I don’t have any real concept of what that could possibly be like. You see, I didn’t have the option of choosing to be a virgin until marriage since my virginity, innocence, and childhood were taken away from me by the time I was 13.

Sex has been a dominant and constant theme throughout my life since I was about 7 years old. I was introduced to it too young, too soon, and with way too much detail for a child of that age. It has been all around me and thrust upon me eversince I can remember. The fact that I have any concept of what a healthy outlook on sex should be is nothing short of a miracle.

Still, I would be less than honest if I said that my past had absolutely no affect on my present. In other words, I wish that I could view sex as something sacred, but early exposure to it as well as the infidelities that I have witnessed have jaded me and tarnished my views in such depth, that I am almost numb when it comes to feelings about sex. Unlike many women I know, I don’t view my vagina as direct route to my heart. I guess that the ability to detach sex from love makes me in some ways like a man.

Somewhere along the line, I discounted the importance of virtue believing that if I chose to give it away when I wanted to meant that I was in charge. I found power in my ability to be openly sexual and adept at it. It in essence was my own personal art form for most of my life. It never occurred to me that I could also choose not do it, be celibate, once it had been taken away I guess deep down inside, I believed that if it could be taken away so easily, then it was something that I probably wasn’t meant to have.

When I realized as I got older that I had truly been violated and that something so precious was taken away from me, instead of shutting down and viewing sex as shameful, I became even more open minded and tolerant. I was not promiscuous by the standards of most but I was far from innocent. I have come to realize that I just don’t have a lot of the hangups that people do about sex and I really don’t know how to feel about that sometimes. I truly still struggle with thoughts of what is acceptable to many and what I feel to be true on the inside. The two worlds have collided privately in my mind and the online discussion has brought it to the forefront, at least for today.

I do know that if I believed that I had the option of being celibate as a way of reclaiming my virginity life would have been very different for me. Perhaps I would not have gotten married so young, or maybe I would have not experienced some of the intimacy issues that I have faced and am still facing. I don’t know that I would view sex as sacred though because strong views and opinions about it were instilled in me at such and early age an it is hard for me to see beyond that. If you believe something to be natural, it is very difficult to see the negative side of it.

I commend the young lady for standing by her convictions and I thank her for sharing them and offering the opportunity for me to step out of my own experiences for a moment and see things a different way. However, I also don’t regret the things that I have experienced in my life, the decisions that I have made, and the views that I have when it comes to sex, right or wrong. All of these things, the good and the bad, have contributed to making me who I am today, a perfectly flawed, sexually aware, beautiful and loving woman. And for my life, I truly wouldn’t have it any other way.

On Being a Courtesan

A few days ago, I was checking out different blogs about women when I came across a whole group of blogs dealing with the topic of being a Courtesan.  It was fascinating to skim through the different blogs and take a sneak peek into the minds of different women who have used this profession as a way of making their living.

Without getting into the morality of the subject because I am sure the debate could go on and on about whether it’s right or wrong.  Or the fact that some believe that the word courtesan is just a fancy way of saying prostitute. I have often wondered, if it is something that I could do.  Well, I know it is something that I could do, but is it something that I would do?

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Five Tips for Dealing With a Player and Surviving

It always amazes me when I see otherwise, strong, beautiful, accomplished, intelligent women lose their minds over a man. I am not talking about a husband that you have been married to or have had children with, who after he lulled you into a false sense of security, decided to go bad. Or a boyfriend who has pledged his undying love to you and has been consistent and honorable for the most part but decides that after a long courtship, he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Most of us have experienced that kind of heart ache and it is not easy to handle. But at least you had something tangible from the relationship for however long it lasted. At least he was “yours”.

No, I am talking about women who lose their minds over a player. We all know who the players are. I am talking about the man we all know who is not relationship material from day one. The married man who is never going to leave his wife. The booty call guy who rings your phone or pops up drunk after the club. The guy with 3 babies mommas. The guy who’s cell phone is always blowing up and who has five different women on his “top 8” on Myspace claiming that they are in love with him. That guy. We all know him. We all love him, but let’s face it, he is not going to be your husband, he is not your boyfriend, and if your heart is not equipped enough to handle him, then you should probably save yourself while you can and move out quickly.

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Whore to Housewife Part 1

In one of my online groups, the topic came up, Can you turn a whore into a housewife? I have to say right off the bat that I believe the title itself is an unfortunate one. But what bothered me even more is how the overwhelming majority of the people who responded to the question, responded with an emphatic, “no!” Come again? I am truly disturbed on so many levels by this whole topic.

First of all the question itself needs to be clarified. Basically, the idea of the whore was not meant in the traditional sense of the prostitute who receives money for sex. But rather the “Ho” version of whore, a female who sleeps with a lot of different men or who has an overly active sexual appetite. The prevailing idea was basically that once a ho, always a ho. She can’t be reformed from her whorish ways so no one should wife her.

So if we are to believe this line of thinking, then that means that a person who participates in this behavior is incapable of change. I am sorry but I have a hard time believing that. We are all capable of change and growth. Whether it is someone who sleeps around, or who has issues with drugs and alcohol, or someone who has a criminal past, people are not held hostage to their mistakes unless they allow themselves to be. By nature, as human beings, we will change whether we want to or not. Change is inevitable, either for better or worse. And we hope that most people opt to change for the better. But believing that people are incapable of change, cuts them off at the knees before they have had a chance to even get in the race

Another thing that bothers me about this whole whore idea is that women are really quick to call other women whores. We seem equally or even more willing than men to point the fingers at other women when it comes to this topic. This has always baffled me because it would seem that as women, we would recognize the emotions and feelings behind giving oneself in a sexual way to a man and how that is never really an easy thing to do without allowing some level of vulnerability to creep into our mindset.

We should understand better than men that this level of intimacy is usually far more valuable to us than it is to males. Many women equate the giving of their bodies with the giving of their hearts. And yet, when we encounter a woman who gives of herself very freely, it is almost as if we have some sort of resentment toward her as if she is somehow taking something away from us.

Typically women who have allowed themselves to be with many men or who are more sexually open have had some occurrence or issues in their past that is the catalyst for such behavior. But really, who among us is perfect? We all have some mistake or behavior that we participate or have participated in that others would frown on. Is that all we are? Are we beyond redemption? Will we only ever be the sum of all of our mistakes? I just can’t imagine that this is the case.

Every diva, every person has a dark side. For some that may be just a shadow and for others, it might be a black hole, but just as bad comes our way, good can come our way too. We don’t have to live in darkness forever, just like any seed, we have to break through the darkness below to rise up flourishing and flowering in the light. Emerging more beautiful, new, and and completely changed.

Fashion and Sex

I was visiting the Marmalade Skies, a very interesting blog by Ms Penny Lane, a 20 year old college student in the UK. She asked the question in a very insightful post, is fashion just sex? And of course she went into far more detail than I will here, but I thought this was a topic worth exploring a little bit, so here are my two cents.

I do believe that a lot of fashion revolves around being sexy, but I have also found in my life that most women actually dress up for other women. And we tend to grow our hair long, make up our faces, and wear more revealing clothes for men. Most men don’t really care what you have on as long as they can catch a glimpse of skin or a curve here and there. But women can be catty, so you want to look your best in order to avoid criticism.

Think about it, we carry designer purses, and shoes, we take extra care to coordinate all of these things. But we don’t carry that purse for the men to notice. If a man did notice, we would assume that this wasn’t the kind of man that is interested in us for sexual reasons, if you know what I mean.

I do believe that the sexuality plays a role when you look at the competition between women. The woman who can show more skin, or fit into the smallest size somehow wins. The natural thought process behind this, is she who is skinniest is sexiest and therefore is the most desireable. Of course we know this is not the truth because after all, I am no where near skinny and I think I am just as sexy as they come. Just kidding… okay not really. = )

The bottom line, clothes are becoming more revealing, that is a fact. But there are men out there who think a woman in sweats can be sexy, or they may even find a woman dressed up in boy clothes to be a sexy departure from the norm. In my experience, if a man finds a woman to be sexy, it is usually not about the clothes, it is actually more about the woman.

If you are interested in reading more on this topic, please give Ms. Penny Lane a holla at Marmalade Skies, I am sure she will be glad to see you. Oh and to answer your question Ms. Penny Lane, you are not a pawn in the selling of sexiness. You simply want to look good as we all do. And not just for men, but for everyone. ( ;

Bootylicious Rule #11 – The Naked Rule

I have a bedtime rule in my house. When it is time to go to bed at night, the bed is a clothes free zone. If you are in violation, you must pay the other party a penalty of their choosing.

I absolutely love this rule. One, because it is extremely sexy. My man never has to worry about me going to sleep with flannel pajamas, socks or any other unsexy outfit. And two, I never have to buy pajamas.

I have actually been sleeping in the nude on and off since I was in the 8th grade. I remember spending the night at a friend’s house, and when we went to sleep, she took off all of her clothes and got in her bed. There was nothing sexual about it, she slept in the bed, I slept in a pull out on the other side of the room. She said that she has always slept under down comforters, and it was really cool at night and she liked the way that the soft comforter felt against her skin.

When I got back home, I decided to try sleeping without any clothes on. I didn’t have anything nearly as nice as her down comforter but I did appreciate the feel of the cool sheets against my skin, and I decided then that it was absolutely the best way to sleep. And now that I do have down comforters and amazing sheets with 600+ thread counts, I believe that I am achieving the optimal sleep experience.

Times when I do wear clothing in bed? When I am visiting someone else. You never know what could happen at someone else’s house, the sheets are not always as soft, and they my not appreciate you putting your naked behind directly on their bed.

And the other time, when I have visitors in my house. I know that my kids will not enter my room without knocking, but in case of an emergency, you never know what another person will do. For some reason, even though I keep a wrap by my bed, I feel better wearing something, even if it is shorts and a t shirt while I have more than the usual suspects in my home.

I am sure that a lot of people out there sleep in the nude, and I am probably just preaching to the choir. But if you are one of those who has only slept in a full length nightgown, bra, panties, chastity belt, and what ever else, maybe you should give it a try. Take it from someone who (when the kids are not home), cleans, paints, and cooks au natural, it makes for interesting fireworks later in the bedroom. Make it a sexy game for you and your partner, or if you don’t have a partner, just do it because it feels good, or simply because you can.

Who knows, you may like it so much, you may just stay home from work one day and spend the whole day like that. Trust me, it can be very liberating and besides who needs clothes when your own natural, beautiful nakedness can be so bootylicious?

Bootylicious Rule #8

It is just human nature to want to share wonderful things that happen to us, and most of the time, we will find that our friends and loved ones are eager to share in our happiness. We love to run and tell when we’ve closed on the house, or we have gotten a promotion or new job, or we have the new car we have been saving and longing to buy. But one thing that we should never be eager, or willing to share is the intimate details of our lives with our significant other. It is just a bad idea no matter what goodies, tricks, or endowments he may have.

Throughout my life, I have seen otherwise nice, sweet, lovely women turn into vultures when they find that their girlfriends have a good thing going on in the romance department. You could have a boyfriend who is as ugly as all out sin, but you start talking about how many orgasms you’ve had with him, or how he hit that elusive spot, and suddenly your man is Quasimodo turned Sexy Hunk in your girlfriend’s mind. All of a sudden she is having fantasies about kissing your frog and turning him into Prince Charming.

Of course, not all girlfriends are this feeble minded, but you have to be careful because even the oldest, lifelong friend who has been with you through thick and thin, can surprise you. She could act like she hates his guts and everything else about him, and she will probably be the one that you walk in on sucking face or others things with your man. So seriously, not a good look.

And keep in mind, you don’t have to be talking about something sexual to pique the interest of your dear friend. One of the things that the hubby and I used to do on the regular was go on date night. Every Friday night was our designated time no matter what our schedules, to spend time with each other. Most of the time we would go out to dinner or a movie or some other special outing. But even when we didn’t go out, we would do something special at home. It was a wonderful time for us to bond with each other aside from work, and kids, and other responsibilities that pulled us into a bunch of different directions. And because it was scheduled, we were able to ensure that it happened each week because neither of us was allowed to schedule anything in it’s place.

I began to notice that the women around me would make comments, some wistful, some snarky, but nonetheless, the prevailing statements were along the lines of, “Oh you have such a wonderful husband,” or “Ooh girl, your man is so romantic, I wish I had me one like that.” The kicker was, “Girl, you are so lucky, your husband is so handsome, and he loves you so much, you better watch out before someone takes him.” After that, whenever someone would ask about my weekend, I would just say, “Oh, we went out.” I share those special conversations with a very select few, mostly my sister, or friends who are much older and have their own relationships. I am not paranoid, but I do believe that a diva should know who she can trust and who she can’t and she should be really smart about it.

Ultimately, we all should be careful about what we choose to share and who we choose to share it with (see Bootylicious Rule #6) whenever it comes to our personal lives, but intimate details about our romantic relationships should be especially sacred.

Let your intuition be your guide, and remember what goes on in your bedroom, kitchen, car, backyard wherever, should stay in those places, and those memories should stay in your own mind and your own heart. Sexy secrets are some of the best secrets you will ever have.

Bootylicious Rule #9

You

You felt around inside me
until you touched my soul

You loved me silly
and then you let me go

You hit my spot real hard
over and over until you were done

You lusted me, you left me
you did it just for fun

You will never understand
what you have put me through

It hurts so much to know
that the world is filled with you