To Stay or Not To Stay…

No one knows what makes a woman stay in a relationship with a man who clearly doesn’t love her the way he should. But is it really fair for someone who is not in the relationship to judge? Why is it any of our business? I have come to learn in life that people deal with life the best way that they can. They do the best they can because that is all they know how to do. And if they are like me and a lot of women I know, they don’t complain about it and if they do, they only complain about it to a select few. There are women who stay in situations because they are afraid to leave, or because they are in love (ooh novel concept) or because they really believe that they can make it work. Take for example, the lovely and beautiful Kim Porter, who is incidentally featured on the most recent cover of Jet Magazine. The world has watched her go through ups and downs with her on again, off again relationship with the infamous P.Diddy. I have seen her be labled a gold digger, greedy, a woman with low self-esteem, and a poor example to her daughters because she chose to be a mother and loyal to the man that she loves. Wow! When did staying with someone because you believe that it could work become equated with being a gold-digger? That is asenine! Much less famous, less rich women stay in far worse relationships and only they know why. It doesn’t make them bad women, or less worthy of praise for being loyal. It simply makes them individuals who made a different choice. I personally believe that Kim Porter and women like her should be patted on the back for having the moxie to see a situation through to the end whatever the reason, unlike a lot of people who just give up at the first sign of trouble. Would I have stayed in the situation? Maybe, maybe not. That was not my relationship and it is not my place to judge. Aside from physical violence, I believe that there is the possibility that any situation can turn around. People have been known to actually work through things and come out of it much better and stronger. So who really has a right to say what a person should do? I once had a friend who told me, “The hardest thing for a woman to do when her relationship has gone bad is to try and stick it out and make it work. It is much easier to leave.” Whether this is true or not, one thing is for sure. NO one but the person in the situation knows why she is choosing to stay. And many of us will never know what it is like to have the worst parts of our lives, the worst decisions we have ever made, and the hardest trials that we have had to endure paraded across an international stage for all of the world to judge based on their own limited and narrow experiences. Nor will we have people judge us based on a few minutes on television, a photo, or malicious gossip. I don’t know Kim Porter personally, and although I have been in a roller coaster ride of a relationship, I don’t know what it is like to be in her particular pair of Jimmy Choos. And I am not a hater, and I am not going to cast aspersions. But what I will do is wish her and her family the best and send good vibes her way, like a true Diva should, and hope that one day she and all of the women like her find the happiness that every woman deserves.

All Men Cheat

One of my many truths, I personally believe that no man is capable of being faithful. Every man will cheat on his significant other at some point in his life. So knowing this, I think that every woman from this day on until the end of time should just release herself from the expectation that she will ever have a truly monogamous relationship with any man. Jaded as this may seem, and it is truly jaded, I am here to warn everyone and hopefully save women from unnecessary grief and heartache. I know this is not a popular point of view, but the truth, (even if it is my own) is rarely popular in our culture. Whenever I share my feelings on the subject, I am usually told that I shouldn’t be so cynical and pessimistic. I may be a tad cynical, but I am not a pessimist. I am really more of a realist. Men are funny when they try to defend themselves from my statements, although there really is no need to. I am always being told how all men are not that way and that I just haven’t met the right one. Or they are so intent upon telling me that I am such a good woman and I deserve to be loved by the right man. I know they mean well when they say these things, and they probably even believe what they are saying, but the fact still remains that no matter how smart, beautiful, or magnificent a woman’s va-jay-jay is, a man is still a man. And love truly never factors in his decision to stray and it is a well known idea that men do not equate sex with love. When they are straying, they are not thinking about how much they love you or don’t love you.

So women, wether you like it or not, post it on your bulletin boards, put a reminder on your calendar, write it in lipstick on your bathroom mirror, buy a bumper sticker, do whatever you have to do to remind yourself that in a man’s mind, SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE, PERIOD!!!! Ladies, I know that we want it to. I know that we wish it were different. I know that we are waiting for that one man that is different. And you know what, he may be out there. He may actually exist just like unicorns, fairies and the Easter Bunny, but don’t waste your time waiting for him, and don’t damage yourself with relationships that are going nowhere and guys that just don’t get you. And don’t lose your mind over a man’s inability to get it. Do yourself a favor, and take control of yourself, you love life, and your heart. I have decided, no matter how unpopular it is that he can do whatever he wants as long as he tells me and gives me the option of staying or going, and that he understands that I too may choose to do what I want. I am not saying that every woman should do this, it just works for me. I have decided that I cannot stop any man from doing what he wants to do, no matter how much I may wish or hope. No amount of me begging him, pleading, freaking out or losing my mind is going to make any man I am with faithful. In fact, I find that it will probably make him stray even more. So, I have told my significant other that if he is unfaithful then I need to know so I can protect myself. I will NOT fly into a jealous rage, I will NOT physically attack him, I will NOT cry or lose myself or any of that crap. I will not guarantee that I will stay and put up with it, but I am not going to instantly say that I will leave either. I will either deal with it, or I will go quietly, but one thing is for sure, I will NOT make a fool of myself by losing it because he cannot control himself.

I know that you may be thinking, why would I let men off the hook like that? Or why would I put up with that? I don’t believe that it is letting them off the hook. I believe that it is more an idea of giving myself the freedom to not be worried about things that are beyond my control. A man’s inability to control his sexual appetite, no matter how sad I may think it is, does not reflect on me as a woman. That is really his problem. If men don’t equate sex with love, why would I torture myself when it comes to relationships by believing that they should and forcing that belief on my mate, especially when although he may be willing, it is not within his power to do so. And as far as putting up with it, there is no guarantee that I won’t have to deal with it with the next man, and the next man, or the next man.

Men cheat because of something in them, not because there is something wrong with me. And since I believe that they all do it, my choices are either to live without a man, or find a way to not allow cheating to dominate or ruin my life. But you know me, I’m a diva so regardless of how it goes down, I’m gonna be alright.